It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
