My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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