I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
