I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
my being single is dangerous.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
did i just pee glitter
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
