i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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