mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
