I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
