I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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