I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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