You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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