I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
