If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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