and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
