I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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