I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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