chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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