drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
