the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
ok first of all what the fuck
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
