my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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