I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
