I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
