I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
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