Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
