i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
