I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
