why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
