I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I faked an abortion last night.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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