Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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