Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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