Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
