I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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