So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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