finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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