Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
