allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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