FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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