i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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