ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I want a musical about memes.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
