you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
