I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
