I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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