I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
