I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
