umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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