i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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