I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
