i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
