omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
