cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
