Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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