i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
