I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
