I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
