I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize