sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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