She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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