if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
