I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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