I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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