I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
