Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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