So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize