I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
He passed out mid-signature
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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