I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
