Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
