I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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