The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
